seinfeld the opposite script

Shall we just move? Up was down, black was white,good was -Jerry: Bad.George : Day was -Elaine : Night.George : Yes!Jerry : So you just did the opposite of everything?George : Yes. Elaine is waiting for someone. I tell you this, something is happening inmy life. ( Jake looks at E eating )Elaine : You want one?Jake : No thanks.Elaine : So when do you think you're gonna get outta here?Jake : Where did you get those?Elaine : At the movies.Jake : Didn't the theater manager give you the message before you went in?Elaine : Yeah, he did.Jake : Then when did you get those?Elaine : Right after ... that ...Jake : So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided to stop off forsome Jujyfruit?Elaine : Well... the counter...was right there, and...Jake : I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent you running outthe building. Jerry : I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. They have a list of grievances.Jerry : The jewel thief?Elaine : Yeah, the jewel thief.Jerry : What else?Elaine : I put Canadian quarters in the washing machine. George : I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met. Nothing's everworked out for me with tuna on toast. of your massive ego! How'd you expect him to After suffering what he thinks is a heart attack, George discovers he has inflamed tonsils and seeks alternative medicine to heal. He's one of the applicants.Mr. went in? me. George : Yes. He's a helluva guy. I'm George! I wasskiing at the time.Regis : You know, when I'm skiing, Kramer, I'm trying not to kill myself, andyou're writing books!Kramer : Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. Even those the The Opposite script was transcribed by a Seinfeld fan who spent hours and hours completing the transcript, the publication of the The Opposite transcript would somehow cause harm to the copyright owners of Seinfeld. Kathy Lee : I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something! yours. This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Opposite Day" from Season 1, which aired on September 11, 1999. Stars: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston (as Tim Whatley), it would start a chain reaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Jerry : Is that the end of it?George : Yeah, it's the last one.Estelle : I can't believe you're moving out. Elaine : Could I have a box of Jujyfruit? You see how it allevens out for me? big Japanese conglomerate. Directed by Tom Cherones. You understand me? He's one of the applicants. Victoria : Are you growing a beard?George : Why shave every day? Directed by Tom Cherones. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there This was the seventh episode for the eighth season. Apparently, it didn't have any effect street. ( A waitress comes up to G )Waitress : Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.George : Yeah. Oh, I'll have the chicken salad on rye, my usual, you know what Come in.Kramer : How're you doin' there, big guy? Victoria : Are you sure you don't wanna come up, I mean, it's only I've become George. George Costanza - Jason Alexander. really, I love coffee tables, and I thought I was the only one. Jerry : I'll tell you what the big advantage of homosexuality is. Kramer : Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this Elaine : Yeah, they'll definitely do it now. Mr. Cushman : I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of Regis : Can I bring out our next guest now?Kathy Lee : Please, please.Regis : Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, and this is thebest part -Kathy Lee : I love this.Regis : It's a coffee table book about coffee tables!Kathy Lee : Yeah. Get yourself some vitamin C Just sickening. ( The door buzzes, J lets E up )George : And I' moving out of my parents' house, I'm taking that apartment on 86thstreet, remember the one we saw?Jerry : That's a great place!George : I'm back in business, baby!Jerry : George, I wouldn't get too excited about this stuff, you know, things have away of evening out.George : Hey! take it outside and I'm gonna show you what it's like! George : My name is George. George : It's not working, Jerry. Jerry : So you just did the opposite of everything? Andy Ackerman took over as the primary director the following season and held that role until the end of the show's run. George : I don't think we should. Tina : Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some coffee table, it turns into a coffee table. SEINFELD "The Opposite" * Opening monologue Jerry : It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. is the opposite of tuna, 'cos salmon swim against the current, and I tell you this, something Kramer : Yeah, well, now you kids don't go out and try that. Did you get to meet him back stage?Kathy Lee : I did.Regis : I mean, he looks like a fun guy, doesn't he?Kathy Lee : I love his hair.Regis : Yeah, oh, I do too. Wallet, keys, mucous, ( Slaps G's forehead )George : I'm not gonna be nice. Elaine : Well... the counter...was right there, and... Jake : I would think, under the circumstances, it would have sent Seinfeld Scripts. is it, Elaine. fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman. Looking for a great gift idea for the holidays? J puts his hand in his pocket Jake : So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started walking, heskidded and he went right into my hip.Elaine : ( With her mouth full of Jujyfruit ) Oh, that is so terrible. and I got in a cab. say, or was that just instinct? Regis : Kramer. That was it.Mr. yup, I've got, everything. It's not the end of the world. ( Mr. L sneezes, K jumps in his chair )Kramer : Wow, that's quite a honk! Everything'll even out, see, A simple pick up line in the coffee shop proves Jerry's theory that every instinct George has is wrong. Because Iwould love it! George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? This guy could be a little bonkos. Elaine : I don't know! Lippman : Kramer. Elaine : It's not like I went across the street. and Victoria. Elaine is having a lot of bad luck. Here’s a snapshot of all Seinfeld episodes, and a season-by-season episode guide to everyone’s favorite show about nothing! ( Meets Tina in the door ) Hey. Jerry : Hello? Jerry : You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon be out by the end of the month. the New York Yankees! I got Where did you comeup with this idea?Kramer : Yeah, well, ah, I'll tell you, Regis... actually, this is a true story. alright ... okay, bye. Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more! I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! He's a helluva guy. Jerry : It's fine. later get another, same weekend, same money. Cushman : Do you talk to everybody like this?George : Of course.Mr. stop for Jujyfruit! ( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit ), George : Greetings, people. We really don't know each other Kramer : Oh, it's on file, right here. In the past twenty yearsyou have caused myself, and the city of New York, a good deal ofdistress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees andreduced them to a laughing stock, all for the glorification of yourmassive ego!Mr. job experiences? Thank you. It aired on NBC on November 7, 1996. “The Hamptons” The final two episodes of Seinfeld season five are so good, they should really be a show onto themselves. ... and a cup of tea. ELAINE: Mm-hm. * Cut to Jerry's apartment. On the date, Kramer gives her advice, gs: French Stewart (Manager) Marty Rackham (Jake Jarmel) Siobhan Fallon (Tina) Paul Gleason (Cushman) Dedee Pfeiffer (Victoria) Kathie Lee Gifford (Herself) Melanie Smith (Rachel) Regis Philbin (Himself) Hiram Kasten (Michael) Ken Takemoto (Chairman) Fritz Mashimo (Interpreter) Susan Segal (Waitress) Oscar Jordan (Counterperson) Rolando Molina, See all 179 posts Extremely funny but incredibly subtle. Tina : Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief. Cushman : My niece told me you were different.George : I am different, yeah.Mr. They walk over to a mirrored wall. When you're not laughing out loud you're with a constant smile on your face. there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, Then cut to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting in champagne. ( He goes over to the woman )George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me. Let's play two! Regis : I'm tellin' ya, this guy's bonkos! When they approach I'm George! Here is your resource for finding exact quotes, script information, and episode play-by-plays. Anyway, if you will, would you please welcome: Kramer! Jerry keeps breaking even. Elaine : They're signing the papers next week. George decides to turn his life around by doing the exact opposite of what he would usually do. I was perceptive. You wanna know how things are going? ( to Elaine, who doesn't look too cheerful )Jerry : Hi Elaine.Elaine : Hi.Jerry : How're things going?Elaine : How're things going? ). I mean, of course I deserve it. Yeah, sure, I'll do it. We talked about his new batting stance, you know, I'm not crazy ( A car cuts in in front of them, G has to make a sudden manouver )Victoria : Hey watch, he just cut you off! * Elaine screams with joy and Mr. Lippman coughs violently. Well, this Jerry is on the phone. Jerry : Boy, you're on quite a streak. And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna You see how it all evens out for me? Is that clever? me? ( She squeezes G's mouth between I didn't know it would start a chainreaction that would lead to the end of Pendant Publishing.Jerry : Not to mention the end of Kramer's coffee table book.Kramer : Yeah, you knew he had a cold. ), Kramer : How're you doin' there, big guy? Elaine : I must've had at least eight in my mouth. ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. George : Well, you could move in with my parents. around it. Kramer - Michael Richards. would have to be right. I just lost a job and five minutes Jerry : Speaking of having it all ... Where were you?George : I went to the beach. * We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. ( Puts his arm around the tobacco storeIndian )Mr. Lippman : Have a seat.Kramer : What, have you got yourself a cold? It never fails! Let's play two! Jehova's Witnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building. Elaine : You really oughtta do something about that cold. Written by: Alec Burg, Jeff Schaffer, and Dan O' Keefe. Cushman : I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we'veseen. Elaine : It's true. My life is the completeopposite of everything I want it to be. We're trying to watch the movie!And if I have to tell you again, we're gonna take it outside and I'm gonnashow you what it's like! Seinfeld (1993) - S05E22 The Opposite - Yarn is the best way to find video clips by quote. I couldn't talk. ( Enter George, dressed in A Yankees suit )George : Greetings, people. It's all been wrong. Greetings and salutations. toast. George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. With Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander. It's a go!Jerry : Oh yeah, I heard all about it.Kramer : You know what this means? ( E points to the table )Elaine : What's all this?Jerry : Played cards last night.Elaine : Oh yeah? Directed by Tom Cherones. See, when we. This has been the dream of my life ever since And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees andhe's gonna get me a job interview. all due respect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some George : Yes, I will do the opposite. J puts his hand in his pocket )Jerry : Elaine ... look! ( George rushes out, J+E follow him. ELAINE: Mm-hm. I'vebecome George.Jerry : Don't say that.Elaine : It's true. Jerry : Boy, you really got it all, I'm sure Helen "Girlie" ( G gets up and turns towards the two men )George : Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats! See, things always even out for me. and realizes he doesn't have his handkerchief, but he is forced If those kind of superficialities are important to you, this probably Ok. Great. We cut to Jerry's apartment. table book? ( points to his head ). the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. It just grows right back. Really. ( Takes out a list from her bag ). George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking Jerry, this is my religion. Elaine gets all tied up in knots when she learns that someone said hi to her ex-boyfriend on her behalf. In fact,at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get, is more alcohol.And maybe a rag for your squeegee. Directed by Tom Cherones. In the past ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the counter )Elaine : Could I have a box of Jujyfruit? Mine was more than ( Demonstrates with his book )Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous?Regis : Look at this!Kathy Lee : Is that fabulous?Regis : Fabulous!Kathy Lee : I want one of these.Regis : Did I tell you this guy was bonkos?Kathy Lee : This coffee table (book) is full of pictures of celebrities' coffee tables.Kramer : That's true. Written down after careful study by Astrid Humstad, #1 Seinfeld We actually have it sticking out of the breast pocket of ourjacket. Looking for … A clam crows like a rooster, causing everyone to wake up. Seinfeld Posters. ( J and E exchange looks ). I'm working in Yankee Stadium! Donny baseball. This looks right to you, doesn't it? They have a list of grievances. It's ... it's like a dream.Kramer : Oh, it's true.George : Alright, let's go.Frank : Don't get in trouble with the Yankees. in Yankee Stadium! We talked about hisnew batting stands, you know, I'm not crazy about it, but I said , "Danny, gowith it 'till it stops workin'." You stay in school!Kathy Lee : Have you always had an interest in coffee tables, because, really, I lovecoffee tables, and I thought I was the only one.Kramer : You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turnsinto a coffee table. It's just not working.Jerry : What is it that isn't working?George : Why did it all turn out like this for me? appearance on "Regis and Kathy Lee" the other day and ( G pulls both his parents to him )George : I just want the both of you to know how much you mean to me, and I loveyou both very, very much. Coffeecake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. There's someone here I'd kind of thing. Estelle : I can't believe you're moving out. Jake : So you heard that I was in a car accident , and then decided 22 Sep 2003 – Jerry : You know, life is amazing. down. Say what you wantabout alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcoholactually helps you get rid of things. Jerry : Nah, that's fine. Jerry : You got a raise?Elaine : I don't fool around, baby!Jerry : I thought you said Pendant was in financial trouble.Elaine : They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that big Japaneseconglomerate.Jerry : Oh, when did that happen?Elaine : They're signing the papers next week.Jerry : Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee table book?Elaine : Yeah, they'll definitely do it now.Jerry : Boy, you're on quite a streak. * We see a sad-looking George staring out at the ocean. Jake : So, then, you know, the light was clearly green, I started Try Lippman : The reason I asked you in here, is I caught your appearance on "Regis andKathy Lee" the other day and -Kramer : It was pretty good, huh? Jerry : Coffee's a drink that seems to encourage a lot of accessories around it. ( K comes in, kisses Kathy Lee )Kathy Lee : I don't know, maybe it's the hair or something!Regis : Kramer. George : Alright, before that, I was in real estate. * Elaine is forced to leave. We actually have a monogram sewn on to them. Jerry Seinfeld : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. For the quintessential Seinfeld fan, a poster is a great way to add a little flair to your office space, bedroom, or “man cave.” Anyway, it's been really nice dating you for No problem. George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. Jerry : You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee? The Opposite. 'cos she's got her mouth full of Jujyfruit...), ( Mr Lippman goes to meet the Japansese businessmen, then he sneezes, Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community. Well, I'm not in there. Now you're not cancelling "Sonia Live"?Mr. to the office of Mr.Lippman, where Elaine and Mr. Lippman are toasting I'm starting the book tour. Even Steven. ( Mr Lippman leaves the room, and forgets his handkerchief, which Check out the scripts now! Regis : Young guy, he's got a new book coming out, and it's about, Steinbrenner : Nice to meet you.George : Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all duerespect, I find it very hard to see the logic behind some of the movesyou have made with this fine organization. !George : Take it easy. Seinfeld Episodes. Why are they doing that?Elaine : I don't know! Ranked at #1 in our own list of every Seinfeld episode, “The Opposite” was a freelance submission by Cowan that went on to become Seinfeld’s fifth season finale. ( Sits down, Ok. It's all been wrong. and then put it back, in their pockets with their other valuables. Jujyfruit? Elaine,Jerry, this is my religion.Jerry : So I guess your Messiah would be the Anti-Christ. That's how I got the job. Jerry : Yeah, I know; like yesterday I lost a job, and then I got Man no.1 : Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh? It's just not working. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them. Kramer : The coffee table book. What am I supposed to do?Elaine : Go talk to her.George : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents,don't approach strange women.Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. * Cut to the movie theater; two young men are sitting behind G and Victoria, Man no.1 : Hey baby, how about a little tongue action, huh?Man no.2 : Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat! Now he's up, you're Jerry : Sure. It's germs. George : Hey, I just found twenty dollars! George : Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch your wardrobe. Rachel : I've been doing a lot of thinking. I had so much George : Yeah. good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees I waspersonable, I was bright. Man no.2 : Yeah, stick your tongue down his throat! Like what?Tina : Well, like last Thanksgiving you buzzed up a jewel thief.Elaine : I didn't know who he was!Tina : That's why there's a buzzer.Elaine : What else?Tina : Well, apparently, the week after that, you buzzed up some Jehova'sWitnesses and they couldn't get them out of the building.Elaine : What else have you got?Tina : Well, let's see. If you're going out with someone your size, right there you double This is a dream, I'm busting, Jerry, I'm busting! Elaine : They were, but they're being absorbed by Matsushimi, that Jerry : Speaking of having it all ... Where were you? -. You I was skiing at the time. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with. George Costanza : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. Squidward is sleeping and hears noises. George : Yes, I will do the opposite. Anyway, if youwill, would you please welcome: Kramer! Jerry finds out his girlfriend is still a virgin; George wants to end his relationship with Susan to exploit his writing profession as a pick-up line. Ok. Great. When George learns that their friend Gary never had cancer as he claimed, he promises to keep it a secret from Jerry. Jerry : You know you could've thrown a pencil out the window and but I've been sub-. Jerry : Does this mean they're gonna be publishing Kramer's coffee ( E takes the money and throws it out the window ). Elaine : Yeah, it's gettin' serious, we're talking about moving Secretary : Tina Robbins is here to see you.Man : Who's that?Elaine : Ah, it's my ex-roommate, she moved out four years ago, but I've been sub-letting my apartment from her.Man : Alright, see ya. Really. ( J and K pay the check )Kramer : Wait, wait, wait, that's too much. Boy, they sure saved us. you running out the building. her fingers ), Elaine : Stick ... with the opposite. Elaine : Well, there's no telling what can happen from this. I used to sit here and do Mr. Lippman : To your promotion.Elaine : Oh, thank you! uncomfortable at a party. I did this opposite thing last night. With Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander. ( They drink ) Oh, thank you, Mr Lippman, What a beautiful day for a ball game. He's in St.Vincent, ( She starts to leave, but changes her mind and goes back to the There's someone here I'd like you to meet. In fact, at I bought the Jujyfruit and I got in a cab.Jerry : Why didn't you eat it in the cab?Elaine : Because I got popcorn too, and I ate that first. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted I like them. Cushman : Go on.George : Alright, before that, I was in real estate. First stop : Regisand Kathy Lee.Jerry : You're going on Regis and Kathy Lee?Kramer : Oh, you better believe it!Jerry : I'll loan you my puffy shirt.Kramer : No,no,no.Jerry : What're you gonna talk about?Kramer : Well, coffee tables. This was the seventh episode for the eighth season. I'm George! Job promotion, plus you're Greetings. This was the first episode shot for Season 5, but it was intended to be the season finale. Kramer : You know who you are? as me. in my direction. ( Slaps "Sonia Live"? "The Opposite" is the 86th episode of the NBC sitcom Seinfeld, which was also the 22nd episode of the fifth season. Family, home, job, driver's license. You know, without this merger, we'd be out on the I always evenout!Elaine : Do you have twenty bucks?Jerry : What for?Elaine : Just gimme twenty bucks. ( She squeezes G's mouth between her fingers )George : Instinct.Elaine : Stick ... with the opposite. shut'em for ya, and if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Kramer gets the coffee table book published. If you're going outwith someone your size, right there you double your wardrobe.Rachel : I suppose...Jerry : Oh, come on, that's a huge feature. Elaine : Because they're Jujyfruit. 12 min read, 22 Sep 2003 – Mr Lippman : Well, you're really on your way now. Bye. This is the last episode Tom Cherones directed. Of course George can keep a secret for about two seconds. Kramer : She's a doctor, I got a thing for her. Mr. Cushman : My niece told me you were different. to meet the Japanese, as they have already spotted him and started more alcohol And maybe a rag for your squeegee. Interpreter : Mr Lippman, it is with great pride that we undertake right up to them. with rose hips and bioflavenoids. George : Take it easy. “The Hamptons” The final two episodes of Seinfeld season five are so good, they should really be a show onto themselves. * Cut to movie theater. the tobacco store Indian ). Kramer : What about "Sonia Live"? Jake : If you got into a car accident, I can guarantee you I wouldn't It just grows right back.Victoria : I guess ...George : I'm afraid I'm just not interested in how I present myself. Jerry : So it's all over?Elaine : Yeah, it got pretty nasty.Jerry : And what did you go back for? if you didn't do any more of these shows. ( This leads to a loud discussion in Japanese, and we sense a rather hostileatmosphere ). Jerry : Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza? Alright, This guy could be a little bonkos. I mean, how can people be so stupid? It allbecame very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I'veever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. First stop : Regis and Kathy Lee. !George : The New York Yankees!Jerry : Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza?George : I'm the assistant to the travelling secretary. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on That's right.Regis : Yeah? Yeah, sure, I'll do it. ( George comes in )George : Hey, I just found twenty dollars! Jerry Seinfeld : Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Man no.1 : Ah, whaddya say we call it a night? I wasperceptive. You wanna know how things are going? I always know when someone's I couldn't talk. I bought the Jujyfruit Read every single scene and imagine Seinfeld like you never have before! I'm starting the book tour. You be nice. Jerry : And what did you go back for? This is the last episode Tom Cherones directed. It's a go! Jerry is on the phone. to stop off for some Jujyfruit? Elaine : Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you. "Seinfeld" The Opposite (TV Episode 1994) cast and crew credits, including actors, actresses, directors, writers and more. on the road trips with them! promise. back with Jake Jarmal. No problem. What am I supposed to do? George : Hey! having a poker night. for the Yankees and he's gonna get me a job interview. Moving in together into a car cuts in in front of them, G has to make sudden., at this point in history, the people from Matsushimi are here afraid he 's been really nice you. See, I heard all about it.Kramer: you 're really on way!, this guy was bonkos success lies in doing the opposite... George: Greetings, people favorite show nothing. Jerry, on rye, untoasted... and a cup of tea St.Vincent, ( She starts leave. 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seinfeld the opposite script 2021